This page is a reminder of the essential principles to become a great spouse that will guarantee you an enjoying a happy marriage that is prepared to last a lifetime. Keep these principles close and use them to bring more love and connection in the relationship, but also as your guide when it comes to conflict. These principles allow you to work on your marriage or even save your marriage when things are getting stuck. Adopt one principle at a time and try to master them all to be successful in your marriage.

Get to know your partner deeply

Find out what motivates them, what makes them happy, how to love them, learn to know their fears, hopes, and dreams. Knowing your partner deeply makes you better prepared for stress and conflict when they arise. Know that certain life events like having a baby can drastically change the dynamic of a relationship and can change a partner’s aspirations and life philosophies in an instant. The more you know and understand about your spouse, the easier it is to stay connected throughout life’s seasons.

Activity: dare to ask deep open-ended questions to get to know your partner deeply. 

Admire your partner and cherish the positive memories together

Admire the things you like about your partner and focus on the positive memories together. If you can do this, your future looks still bright together! It means you still have some fondness and admiration for each other, which is an essential element for a successful marriage.

Activity: Recall together the early moments and positive memories of your relationship. If your marriage is stuck, ask yourself how you can get those feelings back? Some ideas: change your work schedule, make sure to be home for dinner every night. Look at your life, what can you do…

Activity: Always remind yourself of the positive characteristics of your spouse. Simply assess your relationship by determining what you think of your spouse while they are away, do you think of him or her positively?

Activity: List three characteristics that describe your spouse. For each one, recall an incident that shows that characteristic in action. You can share this list with your spouse and communicate why you value those traits. You can do this as often as you like and choose different characteristics each time.

Make time for your partner

To keep the romance and passion alive, give attention to the small, everyday mundane exchanges you have with your partner . This means things like boring conversations are the key to a happy marriage. When your partner “bids” for your attention, support, humor, and affection don’t turn away but turn towards your partner. Doing this fills up your emotional bank with positive experiences which helps to build cushion during times of conflict and stress.

Activity: Take a brief moment to pause and turn toward your partner at the end of the day when they want to unload their stresses. Some rules include: Spend 20-30 minutes talking, Take turns throughout the conversation, Avoid advising unless asked, Be genuinely interested, Show that you understand, Take their side at all times, Express a united front attitude. In other words, “we’re in this together.” Show affection and validate how (s)he feels.

Activity: Call your partner in the morning after a stressful meeting, check in on them during their lunch break, or give them a quick call on your way home from work.

Activity: Keep a mental account of your emotional connections with your partner. You can certainly keep a physical account as well, give yourself a point each time you turn towards your partner and take a point each time you turn away. Simply focus on what you can do for your marriage, not on what your spouse is or isn’t doing.

Activity: Remember these small moments of gratitude and appreciate your partner for taking the time to pay attention to you. This should never be taken for granted. Know that sometimes you feel drawn to your partner while other times you need to pull away. Everyone has different needs, some need connection and others need independence. Even if you and your partner have different needs, your marriage can work if you’re willing to put in the time and effort to talk things through.

Let your partner influence you

It is shown that marriages who value one another equally and allow one another to influence their decisions turn out to be happier and more successful. Marriages where partners accept each other’s influence see success because they understand how to compromise and share their power. Some men openly admit and refuse to share their power, and while some claim this is due to religion, no religion says a man should be a bully. Research simply proves that men who honor, respect, and recognize their wives’ intellectual strengths are more likely to listen to them.

Activity: Genuinely listen to your spouse and be open to ideas

Activity: Thank your spouse for the great insight or advice

Solve your solvable problems

In every marriage, there are two types of conflicts. Those that can be resolved, and those perpetual or ongoing conflicts. Below the best guidelines to solve your conflicts effectively.

1. How to start: Be soft and avoid blame. Make “I” statements, not “you.” Don’t judge. Be clear, polite, and appreciative. Lay everything out from the start, don’t store things up inside. Doing this allows your partner to accept your influence and the conversation is more likely to be successful.
2. Attempt to repair: First, learn how to stop or pump the brakes when an argument gets out of hand. For instance, perhaps when you see your spouse become flooded with anger and emotion, you put your arms around him/her to make him/her feel safe and repair the situation. It’s important to know how your partner receives love, some may think that a physical touch is an act of aggression so a hug may not work in all cases. So it’s not enough just to repair, but to learn how to repair effectively.
3. Find common ground and accept one another’s faults: Ask yourself: Where do we agree? What feelings do we have in common? What goals can we share? How should these goals be accomplished? If a solvable problem arises, finding common ground can help you find an agreeable compromise. However, you will not be able to compromise if you are unable to accept your partner’s faults. Avoid the “if onlies” and be tolerant of each other’s faults.

Once you’ve mastered your problem-solving skills, you’ll see many issues within your marriage begin to resolve themselves.

Compromise your unsolvable problems

What if you have conflicts that you can never get over? You consistently feel caged as you and your partner have the same argument over and over again. The goal is to be open and talk about the problem, not necessarily solve it as it may be an unsolvable problem. But the good news is, you can learn to live with it by communicating with one another.

• Endless discussions may happen when one or both of your dreams are not being respected. Sit down, discuss, talk it through, and come to an agreeable compromise. Appreciate the importance of supporting your partner’s dreams.
• When a spouse has expectations that may differ from the other, you may also arrive in a conflict that never seems to get over. E.g. how to spend your Sundays,… Try to find a compromise where you can both give and receive. E.g. 50% of the time X, the other 50% of the time Y.

In fact, 69 percent of marital conflicts fall under the perpetual or ongoing category. The five main ongoing conflicts include: One partner wanting a baby, One partner wants sex more frequently , One partner rarely does the chores, one partner has a different faith than the other and both want to raise the children in their faith. One partner thinks the other is too critical of the children.

Create your own culture

Each couple and family create their own micro-culture with their own customs, rituals, values and traditions. Sit together to grow and create your common culture.

Activity: share your childhood experiences and family values with one another. In this way you can reconnect on another level.

Activity: start a new ritual that allows you and your spouse to connect. A simple phone call at lunch can be a small ritual that you adopt to show your spouse that you are thinking of them. Other examples: give each other a kiss, say good morning kiss, sleep good night kiss,..

Activity: what values do you agree on and want to share with your family?

Activity: Agree and communicate clearly on the roles you play in your marriage. E.g. husband can be the protector, wife can be the nurturer. Do you see your marriage in way in which you support each other equally emotionally and financially?

Don’ts for great spouses

• Don’t criticize your partner based on a mistake he made. E.g. don’t tell him (s)he’s lazy because (s)he forgot to do the dishes.
• Don’t overgeneralize. Everyone makes mistakes.
• Don’t insult or express disgust designed to make your spouse feel useless or small. If your partner is consistently making you feel useless, you might find yourself becoming angry.
• Don’t be defensive when your partner scoffs at your spending habits, you may reply “I don’t spend that much! I know lots of people who spend more than I do.” This way of responding doesn’t solve any problems. Instead try to compromise.

When doing these don’ts, after time your partner will have received so much criticism that he/her will detach himself from the conversation and respond with phrases like “uh-huh” or “sure.” Your partner will even avoid face-to-face interaction to avoid you, which is the start of a doomed marriage.

Resources

The above knowledge is completely inspired by the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by "John Gottman". 

You can buy the book on amazon on this link: The seven principles for making marriage work.